Writing into the void

Today marks my 30th day straight of blogging every single day. This is a pretty huge feat for me because I have never been great at building positive habits. Bad habits, I've got down pat, but ones that can actually help grow me as a person have been a struggle.

So what have I learned so far? Well, since literally no one seems to be reading these, it's pretty easy. Obviously, I have been obsessed with the election and the state of the world both here and in my real life. Thankfully, I've been coping better now. I really recognize how the unconscious human ego is driving all of this conflict. We think we're all such special snowflakes but our mammal behavior is actually so typical. We fight. We try to control. We make others the enemy and allow fear to drive our aggression. It's boring and gross. I want to do better. 

I know I've been writing about this a lot, but again, this is pretty much a personal journal at this point. Eckhart Tolle shows us whenever we are engaged in a heightened emotional drama that involves something that isn't happening in the present moment (like our hair is on fire), we are allowing the ego to drag us into a story that we have told ourselves. It's one of the most basic human characteristics we have, and yet, it's the one that so few can recognize in themselves. 

I've been doing a lot of studying lately. Through my writings here and my personal journalling, I am recognizing what the structure of my egoic dysfunction is. I am always positioning situations where I can be "morally" right (which is subjective) and when I fail to win my argument or when I am proven wrong, I tell myself that i am morally wrong. I internalize the story of how I was wrong and let that be my punishment to why I can't be happy.

It's fucked up. I get it but if you're being honest, you've got a story your telling yourself too. The answer or the solution (which is also subjective) is to begin to recognize that is what is happening so you can be aware of it when it does. That recognition - that consciousness - is the answer we're all seeking. It's hard as hell but so far, it's been worth it.