I recently received some good coaching which called out the amount of times I said the word should. Of course, I didn't even realize I was doing it but since then I keep catching it flying out of my mouth. I should call her. I should lose some weight. I should get to that list of stuff on my to-do this.

Apparently, I am a should addict!

So what does this mean? Well, it means that I've gotten myself caught up in a shame loop. Keeping myself down about all of the things I'm not doing instead of recognizing the things I am doing with my time. If I am telling myself that I should get to the gym but I AM working my way through a half gallon of ice cream...that's saying something. 

I know I'm not alone in this. We all do it. We tell ourselves that we're being conscious in our decision making by outwardly saying we know what the "right" thing to do would be, but then we go ahead and do the "wrong" thing right after.

The truth is, there is no universal "right" or "wrong", LIFE is only what happens in the exact moment it is happening. Shaming ourselves about decisions we made yesterday or talking about decisions we'll make tomorrow are just negative thoughts keeping us further from dreams.  

If you know that you SHOULD be doing something and yet it's not happening, stop beating yourself up about why it hasn't happened and ask yourself what is the next step to get you closer. 


Writing into the void

Today marks my 30th day straight of blogging every single day. This is a pretty huge feat for me because I have never been great at building positive habits. Bad habits, I've got down pat, but ones that can actually help grow me as a person have been a struggle.

So what have I learned so far? Well, since literally no one seems to be reading these, it's pretty easy. Obviously, I have been obsessed with the election and the state of the world both here and in my real life. Thankfully, I've been coping better now. I really recognize how the unconscious human ego is driving all of this conflict. We think we're all such special snowflakes but our mammal behavior is actually so typical. We fight. We try to control. We make others the enemy and allow fear to drive our aggression. It's boring and gross. I want to do better. 

I know I've been writing about this a lot, but again, this is pretty much a personal journal at this point. Eckhart Tolle shows us whenever we are engaged in a heightened emotional drama that involves something that isn't happening in the present moment (like our hair is on fire), we are allowing the ego to drag us into a story that we have told ourselves. It's one of the most basic human characteristics we have, and yet, it's the one that so few can recognize in themselves. 

I've been doing a lot of studying lately. Through my writings here and my personal journalling, I am recognizing what the structure of my egoic dysfunction is. I am always positioning situations where I can be "morally" right (which is subjective) and when I fail to win my argument or when I am proven wrong, I tell myself that i am morally wrong. I internalize the story of how I was wrong and let that be my punishment to why I can't be happy.

It's fucked up. I get it but if you're being honest, you've got a story your telling yourself too. The answer or the solution (which is also subjective) is to begin to recognize that is what is happening so you can be aware of it when it does. That recognition - that consciousness - is the answer we're all seeking. It's hard as hell but so far, it's been worth it. 

Electing the unconscious

One of the best things to come out of the trauma of this last week, is the reminder that we must know ourselves before we can help others. So many of us are living in a reactionary world where situations and circumstances send us into a tailspin. Eckhart Tolle teaches that the only truth in our lives is the present moment. Reflecting on the past and speculating on the future only brings us suffering. 

I found this article and it helped sooth and center me. As individuals, we must be different to impact the world differently. Change must happen within before it can happen around us. 

Finding the words

I've been following Jonathan Fields for a few years now. His beautiful blog entry, Us and Them, landed in my inbox this morning and took the words directly from my heart. I have no solutions but offer my time and heart for service.  Thank you, Jonathan, for saying what I've been struggling to.